Incessant rumblings of the core

Argh.

So I’ve been using these piss-poor disposable gloves while cleaning. No traction whatsoever. But we don’t have anymore disposable latex gloves so I have to make do with what I’ve got.

I’m upset. For several reasons.

First of all, I know, I’m a horrible daughter, friend, and person.

Second, I’d realized a few days ago that I was actually okay.

I hadn’t felt as depressed or upset as I usually do.

Except, now I do, again. 

But here I am, cleaning, etc, despite everything. It’s not to win her approval (she’ll find something wrong with all I’m doing as it is), I think I’m just doing it for me, to show that I do indeed care despite all the bullshit (mine, his, hers, I don’t know).

Dad wanted me to help him win an eBay auction. He called me when it was four minutes but I was very focused on cleaning—it was my priority.

I don’t know what he’ll do without me. He said he’ll stop doing eBay but I just don’t want him calling me if I’m not there.

I feel horrid when I say that. I do care and he is my father but it’s been years that he’s been asking me to help with either eBay or Craigslist and it just gets irritating. Maybe it wouldn’t if I was a good daughter, but there you have it. Sorry.

And that’s the thing. Ah, the shame, oh, the shame~ (Bonus points to whoever gets that.)

I will never run out of shame, guilt, anger, resentment. I only wish that there were more positive things.

Her guests are coming on Thursday. Dad will only work on Monday and Tuesday then has the rest of the week off so he can help her. I guess that despite everything, he’s a good person. Somewhere. Takes a strong person to help my mom like that. It’s confusing to me, sometimes, since at other times I’m convinced they should get a divorce. That’s pretty terrible to say, I agree.

Ugh. I better get back to cleaning. I’m hungry. Maybe I’ll eat instead.

You know.

This just crossed my mind. I never really thought about this before, but,

I wonder what it would’ve been like to be born into a supportive family. One who supported me to do fine/creative arts and who I actually meshed together well with.

But there’s the harsh reality that, well, that would never really be the case and isn’t.

It just wouldn’t hurt to be appreciated but then, that’s not what this is about.

It’s about the general fact that I have difficulty taking responsibility and I’m a lazy fuck and I guess mom always saying I’d turn into a bum have come true.

Great.

Aww.

You know how I said I’d refrain from posting too personal things on Facebook because God Forbid I actually want to reach out to people to see if I can stay with them?

Well. My aunt (ext fam) messaged me in a supportive manner and asked if things were okay. I really appreciated it.

But the funny thing is,

I know I can’t stay with any of my extended family, that’d just be awkward and it’d all get back to my mom anyway.

Ugh.

And even if I talk with them about it they’d all agree with her.

I mean, I have no excuse, I’m not that great with upkeep, I’ll admit it. 

But just… Ugh. What’s it all coming down to.

What a terrible evening.

“You make me sick.

You make me sick.

You make me sick.”

- My mother.

… Great.

Let’s rewind a moment.

Today I went to Gabrielle’s/GKid’s high school graduation. Left around 12:30 PM. Got back home at 7 PM (graduation ceremony, then dinner), then changed for Danny’s surprise graduation party. Got there around 8:15 PM. Got back home at 11:15 PM. Mind you, my Ading Brian both came and went when I did, i.e., when I’d first come home, so did he, but right when I got back, so did he. Sigh, that could’ve been some good bonding time, uh-huh. He even played Heavy Rain, aww. I didn’t know he’d like that game. Anyway.

I knew mom would be in bitchy mode (well, I’ve already mentally established that she’s just a bitch and sometimes shows a good side but that’s few and far-between), as each time I’d try to say goodbye she’d say such guilt-trip inducing/manipulative things, such as, “Oh, you’re so busy, too much personal stuff,” etc, she always is passive aggressive towards me for (God Forbid) living my life. Huh, sounds fucking familiar. It all makes too much damn sense and it makes me damn sick. 

See, she has guests coming over this week. Great. Fine. I said I’d help her tomorrow.

I got home after Danny’s party and she all but blew up in my face. Fan-fucking-tastic. Saying how my bathroom was dirty—I was going to clean it tomorrow. “Oh, but it’s not like you’re busy or have a job, do you. It’s one thing if you did,” etc, ugh, bull-fucking-shit.

So there she was, saying that I was coughing all the time because of the dust everywhere and that she wouldn’t care if I died because of it.

“But oh, Charamy, she only says it because she’s angry”— fuck off. That’s not true. I know that’s how she really is. Argue with me all you damn well please, you don’t fucking know what it’s like to be with this verbal abuse and Filipino/Catholic/Asian/parent/own guilt bullshit. You don’t fucking know. Trust me, I even tried to be civil with her and gave her an opportunity, but no.

“Give me one good reason you can’t clean your bathroom.” I had none. And told her as much. And that I preferred to clean it once a week. It’s so fucking stupid, I know, it’s such a small thing, except that it isn’t. “I know you. You’ll never change. You’re a slob.” “Yep.” “You don’t care.” “Yep, you’re right.” “You’re lazy.” “Absolutely.” 

It’s actually all true. I am a slob, I am lazy, and no, I don’t care.

I wonder why.

Maybe if I were raised better, maybe if I were a better person, maybe if I weren’t spoiled as much, sure. Yeah, I’ll fucking admit it. But you know what, the things I do care about, I put my all into it. Forgive me if I’m more content cleaning the bathroom once or twice a week versus GOD FORBID there is water leftover in the sink. Clean it every damn time? Do you know how much I use the bathroom? Ugh. Might as well forget the sink and have a black hole in there, I don’t even.

I’m just angry. It all goes back to resentment. How I’m pretty sure most of what I do is driven by guilt and anger and resentment, with some bits of love in there. It’s why I’m always so desperate and needy, I guess. Now I’m even more of a mess because I refuse to trust anyone and don’t know what to believe.

Therefore all the more I know I’ll just be some crazy cat lady the rest of my life. I wouldn’t want to put myself on anyone. I’m too fucking much and I’m going to get sick and die because I can feel that smoky water still. That’s a fucking problem.

“Don’t tell me what I can’t handle?” Shit, I know I’m too much. She’s too much, he’s too much, therefore I’m too much. “You don’t have to be some way just because of how you were raised?” People are damn near different. I’m not entirely like them, but I’ve adopted all of their negative characteristics. It’s fucking annoying.

Yes, I’m lazy. Yes, I’m a slob. Yes, I’m a horrible person. Yes, I know it’s a lot to accept.

What fucking annoys me is that she  really doesn’t think I’ve changed at all. She still brings up bullshit from my childhood. 

And so, let’s go back to,

“You make me sick, you make me sick, you make me sick.”

Without skipping a beat I said, “You make me sick, too.”

“Get out of this house.”

Haha. I would, oh, but I would.

It’s funny/sad. One of the things she pointed out was, “Oh, you never wanted to go home, ever since you were small. I know you. You haven’t changed. You go do all these things but you can’t even clean? What’s up with that?”

You know. I was younger then. I enjoyed being with other people. Can you blame me for not wanting to go home? Besides, our house was considered the “boring” house—of course. It still hardly looks lived in. It’s pathetic. I don’t care if you consider that clean, it’s just… ugh.

So, you know, whatever. This day started off horrendous and I did my best to keep my chin up where it was necessary. But as always, once I come home, all the shit hits the fan and it’s like, “What the fuck is it all for?”

And oh, it’s so fun. I’m going to probably post a status about maybe having to stay with others for a while because I can’t be here. I’d rather not be here with the guests are here, quite frankly, but GOD FORBID because oh nooo, we wouldn’t look like a “perfect family.”

Fuck that. We aren’t. And I’m tired.

OH. WAIT. RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I DID.

I ACTUALLY DID FUCKING CLEAN THE BATHROOM.

BECAUSE I WAS TIRED OF HER BULLSHIT.

I’m going to try to clean it every damn day to keep her off my back. Not because of love, or anything, just to get her off my back. She doesn’t fucking understand that.

And of course I felt like an idiot and I cussed my whole way through but I got that bullshit done. And really, there’s no point to it because I’ll have to do it again anyway before those people get here. Such fucking bullshit, I can’t even.

And tomorrow I’ll even help her clean the rest of this house even though it has nothing to do with me.

You know why?

Because I’m a good person sometimes and I’m starting to despise it. And probably because, oh, I’m Filipino, and there’s no way around doing things your parents ask you to. What I would give to be so free to say no. But despite everything, I do appreciate having a place to live and would rather not have my ass kicked out sooner rather than later.

And despite everything, I do hope I live. I really do. Ugh, I’m going to be sick, I know it…

Friday night…

and I’ve spent it watching Portlandia and crocheting. XD

I feel like normal people my age and younger might actually go out instead, haha.

Actually, no, I was supposed to go to something this evening but it was rescheduled for tomorrow. I don’t mind because it gives me more time to complete things. :D

But man, it sure does get lonely sometimes.

I miss those Friday nights in the place-I-don’t-like-much (read: Gainesville, and for idiotic reasons), even doing Gator Nights and having to drive back to my place with the windows down. It was nice being around people. 

In case you were wondering, I haven’t had any word yet from Houston. I really need to get going on that contingency plan. I’m concerned. Been concerned.

But you know what, I freaking love Portlandia. I knew I would (and it reminded me of other things) so I tried to avoid it. But oh, my goodness, I love it.

I can’t believe s1 is only 6 eps long; I need to obtain S2, quickly.

I’d be a part of the Sherlock Holmies, any day.

Just rescued Allysa this morning, she’d locked herself out of her car. Used my triple-A, we chilled out in my car for the meanwhile and discussed the hospital (she’s a nurse), the impending zombie apocalypse, things like that. Apparently she’d rather be eaten whereas I’d fight for my life. Nonetheless, I’d probably try to save all my family and friends. Anyway, lots to get done today, so let’s do it!

147 pictures down…

784 more to go. WOO.

Why on earth didn’t I start on these sooner? 

Several reasons. But I’m trying to get it done before Friday, so I can say that it technically didn’t take me a month to get it done and uploaded, hahaha.

I’ll admit, it takes me forever to edit and upload. That’s another reason I probably wouldn’t enter into it professionally. I just can’t put something up without making sure every single photo has been edited. I’m a perfectionist. “It’s what I do!” (Declared several times over our recent trip.)

Let’s see if I can actually get these done… I’d be rather impressed. People don’t understand unless they’ve done it, and even then, we all probably have our own quirks and methods…

So I’m about to do my cardio workout thing (i.e., do the cardio dvd I have since a) it’s really late outside and b) it was raining earlier)

and I’m so frakkin’ hungry

like

I really just have a massive cheat day

but I think that’d end up being a problem, haha.

LET”S GO! Exercise through the hunger! RARARARARH.

Oh hey, The Prestige! It’s on IFC right now. Loving some CBale right now. Always and always. Oh, poor bird… Yeah, when I’d seen it at the first time we came in late… (it was shown at the university events).

Pentecost Sunday.

I went to mass today by myself, which was a nice respite.

I agreed with what the priest had to say, up until he started getting very impassioned about certain topics.

I understand it’s the Catholic church’s position, but still.

I guess I’m a “progressive” Catholic. I believe LGBTQIA equality rights, and that they should marry. I don’t think contraception is responsible for taking lives; if anything, some of us take it for medical reasons.

I won’t lie, I do get curious sometimes about other religions and that’s not a bad thing.

I know I’d never be atheist or anything, and I know the Catholic church wouldn’t necessarily be happy with me (have I not mentioned the whole variety of guilt I’ve got in me? Catholic guilt combined with Asian guilt is a hoot, let me tell you) but still.

He seemed very angry during the homily today. He hoped for a new pentecost.

I’d just hope we can see a day where people see each other as equals, but that’s a lot to ask for.